Our Breastfeeding Journey

While pregnant with my first baby I debated whether to formula feed or breastfeed. After taking several (virtual) classes to educate myself on all things breastfeeding, I decided to give it a try with the mentality that if I have success, great, if I don’t, a fed baby is a happy baby - regardless of method. To be completely transparent, I don’t know if I ever saw myself as a breastfeeding mama, but after doing so much research and taking so many classes that highlighted all of the benefits I almost felt like I had to at least try. 

Following the birth of my daughter, Holland, breastfeeding initially came really easily. With the help of a shield she had a wonderful latch and she quickly took to the feeding schedule of every 2-3 hours for 15-20 minutes. I remember being so proud of myself that I was having so much success at something I originally didn’t know if I saw myself doing.

About a week into our journey, I started having pain while feeding and following. Many avenues of support told me that Holland “must just have a bad latch that I need to correct” or that my body would get used to breastfeeding and the pain would eventually go away. 

Holding on to this hope of the pain getting better I continued to directly breastfeed through incredible pain for 10 weeks - 10 weeks. I would cry through almost every feeding while softly singing to Holland that she was doing such a good job, trying to hide my tears from my newborn and not wanting her to sense my extreme discomfort. 

I tried to remind myself of the mentality that I gave myself while pregnant, it’s OK if it’s not for me, but I couldn’t get over the “mom guilt” and pressure to continue that I felt. Like any mama, I would do absolutely anything for my baby, and I felt like if I stopped breastfeeding because I was in pain I was being selfish. 

At the end of my rope, I visited a lactation specific doctor. After explaining my journey and looking at Holland and I, she told me that anatomically breastfeeding directly without pain would not be possible for me, and that going through so much pain was actually hurting my supply and the amount of milk Holland was able to receive. I had known in my gut that it wasn’t Holland’s latch, that there must be something else going on, but I felt too much guilt to stop, and she told me exactly what I (and so many other new moms!) had been needing to hear: “99.9% of people would have given up a long time ago (rightfully so!), and you are an incredible mother for all that you have done for her. It’s time to find something that’s going to work best for you and her.”

She encouraged me to pursue exclusive pumping. 

I was hesitant to embrace exclusively pumping at first. A majority of the articles I had read about this method stated that it could make my supply tank, that bottle feeding would lose the bond I have with my daughter and more. But, wanting to try and give my daughter breast milk for at least a little longer, I gave it a go and it has been extremely successful for us.

I feel just as bonded with Holland when she looks into my eyes and wraps her hand around my finger as she bottle feeds. My supply has not tanked, and the mental and physical relief of not being in pain and/or dreading feeding my baby can’t be described. 

I could’ve saved myself so much pain, guilt and tears if I had known that there can be success in combinations outside of only directly breastfeeding or only formula feeding from the get go. Every mama’s journey is different, and, ultimately, finding what feeding combination works best for a fed, happy baby and mama is what matters most.❤️